I found myself today looking through old blog posts and felt the intense happiness and gratefulness that I took the time to take lots of pictures, document each little moment & write personal "from mom" words.
I was moved to tears. Happy tears.
Then I was moved to fear. Those happy tears turned into sad tears and before I knew it I was sprinting down a road of regret.
Knowing that I can't get the last 3+ years back to document life in real time. So much I have forgotten- little details I will never recall again- feeling and experiences I've learned from that my children will never have the words, from me, to learn from as they grow older.
My love for photography, creativity & documenting life began at a very young age. I have albums with tacky clip art cutouts framing photos where I'm sporting braces and a headgear in Disneyland to prove it!
Eventually I traded paper, glue sticks & stickers in for digital scrapbooking, digital scrapbooking in for blogging, camera in for my iPhone and my blog in for my Instagram. All to SAVE time, money or both- but still get the end result-- life, documented.
Ironically the complete opposite has happened. I've been careless with my intentions. I started wanting to do things to post about it- instead of posting about doing the things we wanted to do. Taking the perfect pictures to post, instead of posting the pictures that were taking in the perfect moment. And how genuine can you really be when you worry about posting too often or 'overgramming' (#sorrynotsorry) OR not often enough (if your business relies heavily on social media) and kept journaling to a modest minimum and not to detailed- because it's 'annoying to followers'? And though I've had the best intentions to write things down in a private journal for my family-- Instagram is as far as that has gone for years now. And to be frank- to me, brief descriptions are as good as writing 'summer 2015' on the back of an image with a sharpie, leaving the future viewers to wonder still what life was really like.
I guess what kills me inside is that I want my kids to have written down, honest memories of their childhood. That they have a good history as well as what they can expect for the future. I think our children, as adults and parents themselves, will be so grateful to know what it was like for us, as parents- the great, the good, the bad & the ugly. Cuz sometimes- it's just plain ugly!
Then my tears moved back into happy tears. The sudden realization of how important this time is to document truth about life while I'm living is a blessing. I want to do better so one day my kids can turn to these words for strength comfort and joy as they embark on their lives. My goal is raw and uncut, because the world has enough voice for perfection to go around.
Lets all get real and live and document life unapologetically. I often wonder what it would be like without the scriptures. What if we didn't have a bible? What if those people were like, not a chance I'll write my history for everyone to read? You kidding me? I'm way to private for that!
After all, the only one who matters, our Heavenly Father, knows all of our thoughts, words and deeds anyway- may as well share them to build the kingdom through our sad & happy tears...